This one time I went to India: Volume 2 🇳🇪

I have been here now 5 days and it has been incredible, but also terrifying. 

It has been terrifying because my anxiety as taken over my body and made it really hard to really enjoy my time here. It has affected my food consumption and my happy demeanour, which on the up has got rid of the bit weight I put on round my hips, however it has also made me want to go home. This feeling does seem to be going as I settle into the program I am volunteering on. Thank you everyone who has prayed and continues to pray for my anxiety.

It has also been terrifying because of the roads! None of this organised road crossing, or politely letting people out. It is foot on the peddle and horns honked. If anyone made a sound track to India they should defiantly have horns honking! Nevertheless, I love auto rickshaw (tuck tuck) journeys, you never really know if the driver knows the way or how crazy he will drive. It’s quite exhilarating really. 

It has also been incredible.  Firstly the girls I am sharing a room with are the sweetest people and been so kind at helping me deal with my anxiety! Thank you so much Lucy, Bianca and Sanchia. The project it also wonderful. The girls and women I get to teach English to are so willing to learn to make their lives better. It is so sad when you realised how little they have as they dress in such beautiful clothes. Nevertheless, they are some of the happiest people ever and make me laugh so much! Today I did try to get them to read little Red Riding Hood and I hope they all enjoyed me reenacting a wolf. I cannot wait to continue helping them next week. 

The monuments are also incredible. I just cannot get over what I have seen. We have only been to the Lotus Temple, India gate, Akshardham (I keep calling it Askerban oops). These buildings are just breath taking. They also make me feel famous, they cannot get enough of my blonde hair and the India people just constantly want a photo with me it is funny, but also annoying. 

All in all I’m having a fantastic time. My fears are slowly being conquered, I’m being well looked after and am looking forward to continuing the adventure with a weekend visiting the Golden Triangle. 

Be Blessed

Steph

Xoxo

#india #adventure #empoweringwomen #christianblogg 

This one time I went to India, Volume 1

This photo was taken right after I had a good cry, so please forgive my red face.

Today I finally get to go to my dream destination: India. I have wanted to go here since I have been a little girl. I saw a program about it on the telly and was fascinated with the colours, the views, the people and how it seemed to change people’s lives. And finally here I am, gathering all my courage, sat in Manchester airport waiting to board my delayed plane. 

This trip has been a huge, huge venture for me. It may seem tiny to my globe trotter friends, but for a person who hasn’t been out of Europe this is a big thing for me, so please forgive me. I am terrified of traveling and being on my own, so solo travel is a huge nightmare. This year I have overcome a lot of my fears, firstly traveling through London on my own to driving across the country, I have faced things from my teenage years I did not want to deal with, I have lived on my own (be it only 3months), spoken in front of a room full of people about my faith and tried what can only be described as a rap morning prayer service. All of these things have been a step outside my comfort zone, so what’s one more thing I guess! I think this might top them all.

I am not completely traveling on my own, however.  Once I get to India I will be met by a nice person who will take me to where I will be volunteering in Delhi. This organisation has probably dealt with 100 scared visitors so I trust I will be in safe hands. 

Whilst I am in Delhi I will be volunteering with a women’s empowerment program which is part of volunteer India. Supporting women and helping them get educated to have a better life is something I am extremely passionate about. What better way to go on my solo adventure to help one of the groups of people I am passionate about helping.

This trip is going to be terrifying, I will miss home and Harry immensely, I’ll probably get diarrhoea 💩, but I cannot wait for the experience and the stories I will have because of it.

 Think of those sermon analogies.

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”  So here's to the 20 seconds of courage I had back in March to book this!

Be Blessed,

Steph 

#india #adventure #travel #christianwomen

The emotional woman

 This post goes out to my fab housemate for introducing me to the guilty feminist and genuinely just putting up with me!

I am a feminist but… I regularly want to wear Victoria Secret model like costumes and strut down the street to feel fabulous and make everyone look at me.

I am a feminist but…I fear using power tools, because I think I am going to slice my arm off. But, I will shout at anyone who will tell me I can’t use one or offer to help. Thus, big jobs won't get done…it is not helpful.

I am a feminist and I am fed up of being treated differently.

 Now this next bit may sound a bit Emma Watson, but it is so true…

I have a great passion for gender equality. We may think our society is equal but it is not.

When I was at school I was asked if I was on steroids because I use to be able to beat the boys in races. They could not accept that I simply trained hard at the sport I competed in.

I regular hear of men who have had to deal with server mental health issues and have even committed suicide because they have found it difficult to speak out, or think it is un masculine to speak out about their feelings.

One of my closest female friends was severally bullied for being incredibly clever and good at maths, but the boys were not.

People do not believe me when I say I am training to be a vicar. The most common response is-'but your not an old man'. It is great they notice I am a woman!

We put stereotypes on what each gender should be doing, or how much they should be paid and on the way they are treated.

I am stereotyped as I am considered too emotional, because I am a woman. 

Or more precisely.

'You cry too much and your female emotions get in the way of your decisions'.

As a result of this I then I decided I was going to use all my will power not to cry in front of anyone. Realistically this decision did not last long. I'm a cryer, a messy blubbering cryer and waterproof mascara is my best friend.

The thought of me having some form of Bridget Jones sniffling breakdown may sound humorous, but in reality being told your too emotional hurt me so much. I felt a lone and like I could not ask for help, because my feelings where unnecessary, over the top or got in the way. 

After listening to the guilty feminist (which I encourage you to listen to) and many kind encouraging words from others, I realised that my emotion is a gift. Whilst I understand there is a time to cry and there is a time for everything, I want to reassure people that I can control my emotion, but when I am in a safe place and I need to let it out, I will. 

I have learn't a lot from listening to #guiltfempod that has made me feel even prouder to be me. I worry a lot about my actions, the way people respond to me, the way people talk to me or about me. The guilty feminist helped me realise that all these things I worry about are 100% normal and I am not on my own. 

I will probably always be 'too emotional', but I am learning how to control that emotion appropriately. I am glad that I can cry and feel able to speak about how I feel, because so many people cannot. I am also incredibly proud to be a woman who is surrounded by amazing women who constantly encourage me to be me. The Steph God made me to be!  

I am a feminist and a Christian and I have emotion and I do not feel I need to apologies for it! But, I probably will.

Be Blessed,

Steph

Xoxo

P.S if you ever need a good cry, I can be a shoulder to cry on, because I have cried an awful lot in my life. Thanks to everyone who as loved me through my tears!

#guiltyfeminist #feminism #emotion #christian

Down by the riverside, down by the riverside…

Down by the riverside, down by the riverside…

These lyrics are embedded in my mind after. I first heard them in Paris with my family, then  every time I got in my Dad's car. I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are, but they have always stuck with me.

These song lyrics have become more and more meaningful over the last few years. This is because when I am in prayer with God I see myself down by the riverside, with Jesus. I also imagine the Holy Spirit flowing like a river through people, roads and buildings, spreading the Lord's Kingdom. 

Lately, I have spent a lot of time down by the riverside and have discovered other people picture this too. I just thought I was strange, nevertheless I found out that I wasn't the only person who sees rocks which represent challenges in life. It was really comforting and interesting to see how God speaks to me and others in the same way. This may sound totally ridiculous to others, but to me I honestly feel it is when I am down by the riverside with God that he speaks to me most. 

Recently I have spent a lot of time down by the riverside. I have been going through quite a few forming and changing things. Training to be a Vicar is hard. It forms you and changes you in all sorts of ways. I feel like I am a sculpture and right now God is doing some serious work. Perhaps He has hacked off a block to carve out my arm. Whatever it is, I know he is doing this to make me the Steph he wants me to be and I need to go through this hard time for God’s plan for me. 

One thing I have learnt from this forming period is that I am a MASSIVE EXTERNAL PROCESSOR! This for some people can make me the most irritating and difficult to person, if you perhaps do not understand how a brain like mine works. I have been like a Steph tsunami of emotions. I have felt my calling is not real, any hurtful things said to me have felt extremely hard to hear, I have felt like I can not do my job, that my hopes and future have been ripped away…

Every day since all of this has been happening  I have been trying to figure out what I need to learn from all these events. For this reason, I have been going down to the riverside with God regularly in my prayer time. I feel I am at a point with God that I can see what he is doing and what I need to learn from these events. I am very grateful for my close family, friends, tutors and supervisor who are walking this journey with me, supporting me and caring for me. 

I may not be God,s sculpture of David yet; I have a long way to go. I, however, want to encourage anyone reading this to spend time with Jesus in the hard times. I hope that you will be able to ask God to show you the massive feats that you have already overcome, to give you courage to carry on. No one is perfect, we are all still works of art being made. And like all art, there are parts which need painting that are much harder than others. 

Be Blessed,

Steph 

xoxo

#christianblog #prayer #womanofGod #journeys 

I’m feeling 22!

I’m feeling 22!

1 Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity

I have never felt more my age then when I started training. This sounds like something an elderly person might say after they have fallen and hurt themselves or when they are surrounded by young people. But, for me it was a problem because the first thing people noticed when I said I was training to be a vicar was ‘you are  so young!’ Often people would turn round to me and say I could be your Mum or I’m old enough to be your Grandparent. I know this was never aimed to upset me, but it did give me an age complex. It made me feel unable, inexperienced and just generally like I needed to grow up to be a good ‘potential’ future priest.

This weekend I had a wonderful opportunity to tell a group at a non-church place about my calling to train as a vicar. To be exact it was at the Women's of the World festival in Chester. It was a fantastic chance just to show people how great church can be. For the first time, I honestly felt my calling at such a young age to be a gift. People were amazed, wanted to know more about God, why I love him so much and choose to devote my life to him at such a young age. It shocked people.

So on Saturday I felt my age was a gift and hopefully this gift encouraged and changed people’s view of what church can be for all sorts of people. Perhaps it even encouraged them to investigate Christianity who knows!

Be blessed,

Steph

xoxo  

Mental health week-Set the world on fire!

Mental health week

Set the world on fire!

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”

― Catherine of Siena

Everywhere I go I keep hearing this saying. But, it is difficult to take on when being yourself is not always easy. I often feel unable or not good enough. It is a feeling which can spiral out of control with the pressures of life.

Since starting to train as a vicar I have learnt a lot about myself. One key thing is that I am scared to ask for help and when I do not ask for help my body crashes.

It has been a tough month, with lots of work, Easter, a break in and day to day worries. But, I was not telling anyone how I felt.

I'm a human to, but I felt I needed to be some super disciple who can cope. That is where I was terribly wrong, because there is a reason we have Jesus.

I have learnt that it is OKAY to appear weak and cry. I'm only a human, training to become a vicar doesn't make me any less.

Considering my last post I thought I would tell you a little about my anxiety and how that has affected me as a person. Especially because this week is mental health week. Anxiety is horrible, it can cripple you and leave you feeling powerless. It is a horrible thing. I can't really explain how I exactly feel when it strikes, but it is not fun.

Recently it hit me, out of nowhere. One minute I was sitting in a meeting the next I felt like someone was sat on my chest and the entire world had enclosed me into a tiny box of suffocation. It was horrible. Eating becomes a problem, I'm constantly exhausted, I do not want to talk to anyone, exercise or work. For a few days, I will feel like this. Then I will ask for help and begin to get back to normal. All is then fine.

However, so many people seem to think oh there's nothing wrong with you, get a grip. Your fine, you have nothing to worry about. Maybe I don't have a concern in the world on the surface, but in my experience, we all have concerns underneath and these can contain us. I can never explain where my anxiety comes from. It is normally a straw breaks the camel’s back situation. But, it is present.

Why am I writing this post?

Well to remind people that just because someone appears alright on the suffice or like they have got it together, it probably is not the case. Be kind, respect and love others. We must ask for help as God created us each individually to set the world on fire. But, we cannot do that without the love and support of others. What we see on the outside is or can be very different to what's going on inside.

Be blessed

Steph

#mentalhealthweek #lifestruggles #anxiety #christianblogger 

A reflection on lent

A reflection on lent-Make up free and living on my own

I'm overtly conscious about how rosey my cheeks are, do I like attractive enough, do I reach the fashionable girl standard.

I would spend way too much time fussing over the way I looked. I was drowning in image insecurity. Fashion and make-up where no longer fun, they were a task.

For these reasons this year I decided I would take the bull by the horns and try to get over this necessity to look a certain way. As currently I am surrounded with buckets loads of support and I have been tackling aspects of my life which have been hard to reflect on. I therefore felt it time I learnt to love the skin God made for me without adding anything to it. It's been a huge learning curve. I gave up make-up slowly wearing less and less each week and spent three weeks make-up free. I found day to day easy, no one really noticed, in fact more people commented on how beautiful they thought I was, on the inside and outside. Others said they didn't even notice when I told them I had given up makeup. I guess I had just cared too much. The hardest thing about it was when I went out. I desperately wanted to spend time putting my make-up on because I enjoy it.

All in all what I learnt is; no one actually pays that much attention; I really enjoy putting make-up on; I don't need to wear it every day; my eye lashes are in great condition if I don't wear mascara all the time; beauty comes from the inside as well as out; God made me and that is what is important.

Now living on my own.

That's been hard. Especially when someone close to me got their house broken into. I got very scared and lonely when I had nights on my own. I found some days I didn't speak to anyone till 7pm. I found it really hard to look after myself properly as no one was in the house telling me otherwise. I lost that accountability I got from having a housemate.

On a positive note. I learnt to be very happy in my own company. I didn't have to worry about my mess. I spent a lot more time in prayer with God. I met up with more people. I realized I was a much more capable woman then I thought. Peace and quiet is really beautiful.

I am now so grateful not to be on my own again. I'm 100% an extrovert, but it was something I'm glad I did before I was married even if for a few months. These last three months I have honestly learnt so much about myself, that I just was not really aware of before and that's been good. There is still stuff to tackle and take on, but that's ok to! No one changes over night! So, have courage that if there's something your struggling with, surround yourself with support and love and try to overcome it. Even if it's a little bit at a time.

Every Blessing

Steph.

#lent #makeup #makeupfast #livingalone #godisgood #christianblogger #traineevicar