I’m feeling 22!

I’m feeling 22!

1 Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity

I have never felt more my age then when I started training. This sounds like something an elderly person might say after they have fallen and hurt themselves or when they are surrounded by young people. But, for me it was a problem because the first thing people noticed when I said I was training to be a vicar was ‘you are  so young!’ Often people would turn round to me and say I could be your Mum or I’m old enough to be your Grandparent. I know this was never aimed to upset me, but it did give me an age complex. It made me feel unable, inexperienced and just generally like I needed to grow up to be a good ‘potential’ future priest.

This weekend I had a wonderful opportunity to tell a group at a non-church place about my calling to train as a vicar. To be exact it was at the Women's of the World festival in Chester. It was a fantastic chance just to show people how great church can be. For the first time, I honestly felt my calling at such a young age to be a gift. People were amazed, wanted to know more about God, why I love him so much and choose to devote my life to him at such a young age. It shocked people.

So on Saturday I felt my age was a gift and hopefully this gift encouraged and changed people’s view of what church can be for all sorts of people. Perhaps it even encouraged them to investigate Christianity who knows!

Be blessed,

Steph

xoxo  

Mental health week-Set the world on fire!

Mental health week

Set the world on fire!

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”

― Catherine of Siena

Everywhere I go I keep hearing this saying. But, it is difficult to take on when being yourself is not always easy. I often feel unable or not good enough. It is a feeling which can spiral out of control with the pressures of life.

Since starting to train as a vicar I have learnt a lot about myself. One key thing is that I am scared to ask for help and when I do not ask for help my body crashes.

It has been a tough month, with lots of work, Easter, a break in and day to day worries. But, I was not telling anyone how I felt.

I'm a human to, but I felt I needed to be some super disciple who can cope. That is where I was terribly wrong, because there is a reason we have Jesus.

I have learnt that it is OKAY to appear weak and cry. I'm only a human, training to become a vicar doesn't make me any less.

Considering my last post I thought I would tell you a little about my anxiety and how that has affected me as a person. Especially because this week is mental health week. Anxiety is horrible, it can cripple you and leave you feeling powerless. It is a horrible thing. I can't really explain how I exactly feel when it strikes, but it is not fun.

Recently it hit me, out of nowhere. One minute I was sitting in a meeting the next I felt like someone was sat on my chest and the entire world had enclosed me into a tiny box of suffocation. It was horrible. Eating becomes a problem, I'm constantly exhausted, I do not want to talk to anyone, exercise or work. For a few days, I will feel like this. Then I will ask for help and begin to get back to normal. All is then fine.

However, so many people seem to think oh there's nothing wrong with you, get a grip. Your fine, you have nothing to worry about. Maybe I don't have a concern in the world on the surface, but in my experience, we all have concerns underneath and these can contain us. I can never explain where my anxiety comes from. It is normally a straw breaks the camel’s back situation. But, it is present.

Why am I writing this post?

Well to remind people that just because someone appears alright on the suffice or like they have got it together, it probably is not the case. Be kind, respect and love others. We must ask for help as God created us each individually to set the world on fire. But, we cannot do that without the love and support of others. What we see on the outside is or can be very different to what's going on inside.

Be blessed

Steph

#mentalhealthweek #lifestruggles #anxiety #christianblogger 

A reflection on lent

A reflection on lent-Make up free and living on my own

I'm overtly conscious about how rosey my cheeks are, do I like attractive enough, do I reach the fashionable girl standard.

I would spend way too much time fussing over the way I looked. I was drowning in image insecurity. Fashion and make-up where no longer fun, they were a task.

For these reasons this year I decided I would take the bull by the horns and try to get over this necessity to look a certain way. As currently I am surrounded with buckets loads of support and I have been tackling aspects of my life which have been hard to reflect on. I therefore felt it time I learnt to love the skin God made for me without adding anything to it. It's been a huge learning curve. I gave up make-up slowly wearing less and less each week and spent three weeks make-up free. I found day to day easy, no one really noticed, in fact more people commented on how beautiful they thought I was, on the inside and outside. Others said they didn't even notice when I told them I had given up makeup. I guess I had just cared too much. The hardest thing about it was when I went out. I desperately wanted to spend time putting my make-up on because I enjoy it.

All in all what I learnt is; no one actually pays that much attention; I really enjoy putting make-up on; I don't need to wear it every day; my eye lashes are in great condition if I don't wear mascara all the time; beauty comes from the inside as well as out; God made me and that is what is important.

Now living on my own.

That's been hard. Especially when someone close to me got their house broken into. I got very scared and lonely when I had nights on my own. I found some days I didn't speak to anyone till 7pm. I found it really hard to look after myself properly as no one was in the house telling me otherwise. I lost that accountability I got from having a housemate.

On a positive note. I learnt to be very happy in my own company. I didn't have to worry about my mess. I spent a lot more time in prayer with God. I met up with more people. I realized I was a much more capable woman then I thought. Peace and quiet is really beautiful.

I am now so grateful not to be on my own again. I'm 100% an extrovert, but it was something I'm glad I did before I was married even if for a few months. These last three months I have honestly learnt so much about myself, that I just was not really aware of before and that's been good. There is still stuff to tackle and take on, but that's ok to! No one changes over night! So, have courage that if there's something your struggling with, surround yourself with support and love and try to overcome it. Even if it's a little bit at a time.

Every Blessing

Steph.

#lent #makeup #makeupfast #livingalone #godisgood #christianblogger #traineevicar

Lent make-up fast

We are in lent! It does not seem 5 minutes since I began my training and we are already on the way to Easter.

So, what is lent for those reading this who may not know…'Lent is a season of forty days, not counting Sundays, which begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Saturday. Lent comes from the Anglo Saxon word lencten, which means "spring." The forty days represents the time Jesus spent in the wilderness, enduring the temptation of Satan and preparing to begin his ministry. Lent is a time of repentance, fasting and preparation for the coming of Easter. It is a time of self-examination and reflection. In the early church, Lent was a time to prepare new converts for baptism. Today, Christians focus on their relationship with God, often choosing to give up something or to volunteer and give of themselves for others. Sundays in Lent are not counted in the forty days because each Sunday represents a "mini-Easter" and the reverent spirit of Lent is tempered with joyful anticipation of the Resurrection.'

Lent for me is not just about giving chocolate up to help me on my way to a summer body. It is something much more meaningful, with the aim to become closer to God.

This year I have chosen to fast from make-up. I have chosen to do this as it became apparent to me I had a problem when I wouldn’t go to a morning prayer session without ‘putting’ on my eyebrows at a church weekend away. Make-up for me has never been something I do for fun but rather something I feel I need to put on to cover up my imperfections. People keep telling me I do not need make-up to look nice. Perhaps I don’t, but that does not immediately take away my belief that I do need them to look beautiful. It is hardly surprising I feel this way when the images the media presents of people are heavily airbrushed and social media images are overtly edited making me and many others feel inadequate. Other factors also have probably played a part in this feeling of being inadequate. For example, when I was at school, it was odd if you didn’t wear make-up, comments of the way I looked and my body shape have stuck with me even now.

In my ordination journey I felt now was the time I needed to overcome this and learn to love what God has given me. I find myself telling others they are beautiful and they do not need make-up or to change the way they look. So, it is time I listen to my own advice and learn to love what God made me to look like. Ultimately, I hope I can help others to love the skin God gave them to without being a hypocrite.

How am I going to do this? I have decided I am not just going to cold turkey, but I am going to get rid of something each week instead to ease myself in and learn to show a part of myself I like to change. I am also going to use the extra time I have in the morning to pray for my own confidence, for others confidence and to find out more about myself.

The below list tells you what I am giving up, when and what I feel it does:

Week 1-foundation, powder, bronzer, lipstick (I hate my rosy cheeks and how red my face gets)

Week 2- Eye brow pencil (I plucked half my eyebrows out when I was 13)

Week 3-Concealer (to hide those bags under my eyes)

Week 4-Mascara (Extra-long lashes make me feel like I am on a catwalk)

Rest of lent make-up free

When lent is over I probably will go back to wearing make-up. But, I hope it will be because I enjoy doing I and want to. Not because I feel I must.

Every Blessing,

Steph

xoxo

#lent #christianblogger #makeup #fasting

Skin Care and Prayer

The below post was written by my friend Jess as I thought it would be nice for other fantastic women Priests or potential Priests to contribute their experiences  aswell!

Skin Care & Prayer

When Steph asked me to do this post, I was (and still am) honoured! My name is Jess and I am currently spending my days working at a church in Clapham called Holy Trinity, and in my spare time, I am praying about God’s calling on my life. I will soon be going to a BAP (Bishop’s Advisory Panel) which is a posh name for a 3 day interview where the panel ask you lots of questions to see if you’re right to become a vicar. So by April I should know if I can train to be a priest, which makes me about a year behind Steph at the moment!

So why did Steph ask me to do a post? Well, let’s just say I have a quirky prayer routine. Whilst thinking about when I pray, and when I could spare some more time to give to God, I started to think about where I spend my time. And I concluded that I spend about 30 minutes a day in front of a mirror, washing my face. Now that seems extreme, but that’s 15 minutes in the morning, and again in the evening. Within those 15 minutes I have a cleanse, tone and moisturise routine. Now, you might be thinking, ‘yes, but what does that have to do with prayer?’ Well, let me tell you…

One morning as I was washing my face, I started to pray. And I linked the significance of my skincare routine to what I was praying. I started with cleansing, and as I rubbed the cleanser into my skin, I started to say sorry for the things I had done wrong that day. When it came to wiping away the cleanser, it helped me to remember that I am forgiven. Jesus was the eternal sacrifice so that I may be forgiven, always. And that really helped to engage with God daily. Remembering the sacrifice of sending the Son to die for me, so that I may be forgiven and have eternal life, that is so important to think about every day. And it’s so easy to forget, especially in the good times of life, so every time I cleanse my face, I am reminded that I am made clean, only because Jesus shed His blood for me.

The next step in my skin care routine is my toner. Now I’m not ENTIRELY sure what toner actually does. But I’m pretty sure it is something to do with restoring balance to my skin. So as I spray toner onto my face, and pat it dry with a cotton wool pad, I ask for God’s guidance, that I will have a balanced life, that God will guide me to the places that He has called me to. And my final part of my skincare routine is my moisturiser. That is the nourishing part of my skincare routine, and for this prayer I give God thanks. I say thank you Lord for everything you have done for me this day, and I praise God for the things that have brought me joy and nourishment.

I love doing this, because it helps me to settle my mind on God. It is one of the first things I do in the morning, and the last thing I do at night. So it really helps me to focus on God, and reflect on the day ahead, or that has passed. It’s a little quirky, but it really works for me. I am able to utilise my time spent looking after my skin as time spent with God too! It’s a physical and spiritual nourishment all at once!

So my prayer for each person who is reading this is that you are able to take the every day, mundane tasks and give them to God. You are able to reflect on the ways in which God can fit into the repetitive tasks, and spend time with God whilst you do them. Please do pray whilst you do your skincare routine, or perhaps it’s when you are walking your dog, or when you are doing the washing up. Whenever it is that you find that you could be spending that time with God, whilst continuing to do whatever it is you do, I pray that you will have the courage to step out and pray at the times that are least expected. Make a routine of it. I have and it feels so good to know that I will be spending time with God whilst looking after the skin my Saviour gave me.

Jess

x

#christianwomen #prayer #skincare

Being Called and Telling Others.

You are going to do what!!!!! Yes, yes I am.

Telling someone you were going to begin training as a Church and England vicar can be daunting as you just do not know the response you are going to get. When I worked in retail I experienced some of the strangest reactions. It was really hard to hear some of the things told to me. It upset me and made me angry. It also made me want to tell people more about my calling in hope that I would help change their negative views of faiths. 

What People Said	What I thought
You do not look like your average priest.	What does one look like, do they have two heads?
(Sarcastically) I'll say a little prayer for you then mate.	Ermmm thanks…I think
I've never seen a vicar in ripped jeans.	I’m not a vicar just going to train, but why shouldn’t they wear ripped jeans?! (Tries to suppress anger)
Why on earth would you want to do that?	Well I had a calling
Are you joking?	Here we go again…
Can women even do that?	Yes, the first woman was priested in 1994 actually !

I didn't just have negative reactions, I had some lovely responses to;

·         Well what a lovely young lady you are, the church needs people like you!

·         I think it is great!

·         What a joy it is for someone so young doing something so worthwhile with their life.

·         I am so excited for you, I will keep you in my prayers.

The fact the negative responses outweigh the positive tells me that there is a huge amount of people who are sheltered from religion, have had bad experiences or simply do not understand what it means to be a priest. For this reason, I am briefly going to explain why I, a 20 something year old feels called to this vocation.

I have gone to church since I was a small child and I hated it. It was the same songs week in week out and I got bored, but whether God existed was never an issue. I remember praying to God that I would be next in the talent show. It was not till I was older that I returned to church. When I was 16 I went to a Christian conference and here is where I experienced what I would call a vision of me preaching to thousands of people. However, after this happened I had an unhappy time, dealing with family death and sickness and getting out of a very unhappy relationship. For a period of time I turned away from a Christian life, going to church but not living like a Christian. I did things I regret, I have defiantly sworn, drunk too much and acted in a way that you may think inappropriate for a future priest. These experiences made me who I am today. I felt convicted to change the way I acted, my dresses got slightly longer and my hot pants became a thing of the past.

Soon after a friend confronted me asking me about my future and I told them that I felt called to go into church leadership-to which they replied why not now? I soon came to realise that all the things which had happened to me were in God's plan. Jerimiah 29:11 is my all-time favourite verse and has kept me strong through everything.  People kept telling me have you thought of becoming a vicar, you would be so good. As soon as I pursued it the doors flew open.  It was so exciting. Yes, the church exciting! So here I am today, following God’s plan for me.

Be blessed

Steph

A Surprise Date: Silence

Silence

Now this is not quite in keeping with my usual posts, but after watching this film with my beloved last week it got us thinking a lot about the secret and persecuted church.

I knew nothing about this film on the day I watched it as it was a surprise date. Yes, I get taken to see films about persecution as a surprise date, what can I say, this is obviously true romance! When I found out what we were going to see, I wasn’t sold, but we went anyway.

I did not enjoy this film the way I would enjoy The Holiday, Bruce Almighty or a Harry Potter film. I enjoyed it because it got me thinking. I wished I had my note book with me to note down all the amazing and challenging things God was raising in us as we watched.

Silence is Directed by Martin Scorsese who as the Church Times notes, ‘just can’t leave God alone’ after directing other films based around Christianity such as The Last Temptation of Christ. Before Scorsese became a director, he began training as a Catholic Priest, so this explains the importance of Christianity to him. His most recent endeavour, is an adaptation of the book by the Japanese write Shusaku Endo set in the 17^th Century. The film tells the story of two young, and perhaps naive priests, Rodrigues and Garrupe who go to Japan to find Fr Ferreira. Though this is no straight forward task, and they soon find themselves administering as missionaries, all while hiding from the Japanese authorities while spreading to word of God. This is not a true story, but rather a historical fiction focusing on the work of missionaries in 17^th Century; an extremely dangerous time where priests were hunted throughout Japan. As well as this Rodrigues character is also based on an Italian missionary Giuseppe Chiara, who did missionary work in Japan.

As Harry and I walked out the cinema we did not know what to say, all I could think is ‘thank God I won’t be sent to do my curacy in 17^th century Japan’. Though, once we got in the car we began discussing some of the film’s imagery and how appropriate it is to what is happening in the world now. (Syria, Eritrea, China, North Korea to name a few, Open Doors even have a persecution watchlist (http://www.opendoorsuk.org/). The film depicts the mental, physical and spiritual torture these priests went through because they would not deny God. They were effectively bullied into denying the existence of God by stepping or spitting on icons of Jesus. If they did not do this, they were killed or tortured until they did. Yet there was one character, Kichijiro, who always falling away from God, much like Peters denying of Jesus. We could not help but think he is like us as followers of Jesus, as he kept going back to the priests, begging for forgiveness from God. The film also depicts another character, The Inquisitor, which could be a symbol for the devil. Throughout the film, he repeatedly preaches to Rodrigues that Japan is a swamp and nothing will grow there. This made me think of the Parable of the Sower, Mark 4:10-20. Verse 15 says ‘ Some people are like a seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.’  It seems Japan, at this time, was like this path.

So how did it make us feel as Christians? In Harry’s words ‘ As a film, I found this deeply challenging to my work in mission and as a follower of Jesus. The suffering and lengths to which these Christians are pushed is shocking, not in its depiction, but in the motivation for it. These men and women suffer because they believe in Jesus. It put into perspective what Jesus tells us when he says “deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me” in Mark. Being a Christian, is about being prepared to be outcast, spat at, beat up and ultimately murdered for your faith in Christ. It’s rough, it’s hard and to be honest I hate to even put myself in the shoes of those Christians depicted in the film.

What the film highlights so well, is that in our lives we will have times of silence, where we feel distant from God, where we feel like he isn’t even there anymore. In this film, it’s so bleak; it looks like God’s kingdom break through is impossible. It looks like evil has overcome, but it hasn’t! Because Jesus already suffered this road of persecution and death when he poured out his grace on the cross; for those characters, for me, for you. He is so close to us, holding us and lavishing his grace upon us; his amazing, unending and scandalous grace! It’s ok to feel like everything is stacked against you and it’s ok to feel like you can’t hold on in persecution, Jesus went through it too, he understands. God shows in this film, that he turns up, he won’t forsake us. But he does it his way; because he knows best. We might feel like no good can come out of a situation, but ‘impossible’ is not in God’s dictionary’.

I think it is fair to say that as Christian’s who so outwardly express their faiths, this film hit hard and is one we keep discussing after seeing it due to current affairs.  I recommend it to anyone who has a heart for the persecuted church or who wants a reminder of some are things people go through for Christ. But, whatever you do, do not take noisy food. The film lives up to its name.

Be Blessed

Steph and Harry.

Here are some other links about the film if you wish to take a look.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/slices/watch-andrew-garfield-discuss-discovering-jesus-spiritual-warfare-and-more-stephen-colbert

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/slices/andrew-garfield-silence-showed-him-how-easy-it-was-fall-love-jesus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqrgxZLd_gE