Down by the riverside, down by the riverside…

Down by the riverside, down by the riverside…

These lyrics are embedded in my mind after. I first heard them in Paris with my family, then  every time I got in my Dad's car. I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are, but they have always stuck with me.

These song lyrics have become more and more meaningful over the last few years. This is because when I am in prayer with God I see myself down by the riverside, with Jesus. I also imagine the Holy Spirit flowing like a river through people, roads and buildings, spreading the Lord's Kingdom. 

Lately, I have spent a lot of time down by the riverside and have discovered other people picture this too. I just thought I was strange, nevertheless I found out that I wasn't the only person who sees rocks which represent challenges in life. It was really comforting and interesting to see how God speaks to me and others in the same way. This may sound totally ridiculous to others, but to me I honestly feel it is when I am down by the riverside with God that he speaks to me most. 

Recently I have spent a lot of time down by the riverside. I have been going through quite a few forming and changing things. Training to be a Vicar is hard. It forms you and changes you in all sorts of ways. I feel like I am a sculpture and right now God is doing some serious work. Perhaps He has hacked off a block to carve out my arm. Whatever it is, I know he is doing this to make me the Steph he wants me to be and I need to go through this hard time for God’s plan for me. 

One thing I have learnt from this forming period is that I am a MASSIVE EXTERNAL PROCESSOR! This for some people can make me the most irritating and difficult to person, if you perhaps do not understand how a brain like mine works. I have been like a Steph tsunami of emotions. I have felt my calling is not real, any hurtful things said to me have felt extremely hard to hear, I have felt like I can not do my job, that my hopes and future have been ripped away…

Every day since all of this has been happening  I have been trying to figure out what I need to learn from all these events. For this reason, I have been going down to the riverside with God regularly in my prayer time. I feel I am at a point with God that I can see what he is doing and what I need to learn from these events. I am very grateful for my close family, friends, tutors and supervisor who are walking this journey with me, supporting me and caring for me. 

I may not be God,s sculpture of David yet; I have a long way to go. I, however, want to encourage anyone reading this to spend time with Jesus in the hard times. I hope that you will be able to ask God to show you the massive feats that you have already overcome, to give you courage to carry on. No one is perfect, we are all still works of art being made. And like all art, there are parts which need painting that are much harder than others. 

Be Blessed,

Steph 

xoxo

#christianblog #prayer #womanofGod #journeys 

I’m feeling 22!

I’m feeling 22!

1 Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity

I have never felt more my age then when I started training. This sounds like something an elderly person might say after they have fallen and hurt themselves or when they are surrounded by young people. But, for me it was a problem because the first thing people noticed when I said I was training to be a vicar was ‘you are  so young!’ Often people would turn round to me and say I could be your Mum or I’m old enough to be your Grandparent. I know this was never aimed to upset me, but it did give me an age complex. It made me feel unable, inexperienced and just generally like I needed to grow up to be a good ‘potential’ future priest.

This weekend I had a wonderful opportunity to tell a group at a non-church place about my calling to train as a vicar. To be exact it was at the Women's of the World festival in Chester. It was a fantastic chance just to show people how great church can be. For the first time, I honestly felt my calling at such a young age to be a gift. People were amazed, wanted to know more about God, why I love him so much and choose to devote my life to him at such a young age. It shocked people.

So on Saturday I felt my age was a gift and hopefully this gift encouraged and changed people’s view of what church can be for all sorts of people. Perhaps it even encouraged them to investigate Christianity who knows!

Be blessed,

Steph

xoxo  

Mental health week-Set the world on fire!

Mental health week

Set the world on fire!

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”

― Catherine of Siena

Everywhere I go I keep hearing this saying. But, it is difficult to take on when being yourself is not always easy. I often feel unable or not good enough. It is a feeling which can spiral out of control with the pressures of life.

Since starting to train as a vicar I have learnt a lot about myself. One key thing is that I am scared to ask for help and when I do not ask for help my body crashes.

It has been a tough month, with lots of work, Easter, a break in and day to day worries. But, I was not telling anyone how I felt.

I'm a human to, but I felt I needed to be some super disciple who can cope. That is where I was terribly wrong, because there is a reason we have Jesus.

I have learnt that it is OKAY to appear weak and cry. I'm only a human, training to become a vicar doesn't make me any less.

Considering my last post I thought I would tell you a little about my anxiety and how that has affected me as a person. Especially because this week is mental health week. Anxiety is horrible, it can cripple you and leave you feeling powerless. It is a horrible thing. I can't really explain how I exactly feel when it strikes, but it is not fun.

Recently it hit me, out of nowhere. One minute I was sitting in a meeting the next I felt like someone was sat on my chest and the entire world had enclosed me into a tiny box of suffocation. It was horrible. Eating becomes a problem, I'm constantly exhausted, I do not want to talk to anyone, exercise or work. For a few days, I will feel like this. Then I will ask for help and begin to get back to normal. All is then fine.

However, so many people seem to think oh there's nothing wrong with you, get a grip. Your fine, you have nothing to worry about. Maybe I don't have a concern in the world on the surface, but in my experience, we all have concerns underneath and these can contain us. I can never explain where my anxiety comes from. It is normally a straw breaks the camel’s back situation. But, it is present.

Why am I writing this post?

Well to remind people that just because someone appears alright on the suffice or like they have got it together, it probably is not the case. Be kind, respect and love others. We must ask for help as God created us each individually to set the world on fire. But, we cannot do that without the love and support of others. What we see on the outside is or can be very different to what's going on inside.

Be blessed

Steph

#mentalhealthweek #lifestruggles #anxiety #christianblogger 

A reflection on lent

A reflection on lent-Make up free and living on my own

I'm overtly conscious about how rosey my cheeks are, do I like attractive enough, do I reach the fashionable girl standard.

I would spend way too much time fussing over the way I looked. I was drowning in image insecurity. Fashion and make-up where no longer fun, they were a task.

For these reasons this year I decided I would take the bull by the horns and try to get over this necessity to look a certain way. As currently I am surrounded with buckets loads of support and I have been tackling aspects of my life which have been hard to reflect on. I therefore felt it time I learnt to love the skin God made for me without adding anything to it. It's been a huge learning curve. I gave up make-up slowly wearing less and less each week and spent three weeks make-up free. I found day to day easy, no one really noticed, in fact more people commented on how beautiful they thought I was, on the inside and outside. Others said they didn't even notice when I told them I had given up makeup. I guess I had just cared too much. The hardest thing about it was when I went out. I desperately wanted to spend time putting my make-up on because I enjoy it.

All in all what I learnt is; no one actually pays that much attention; I really enjoy putting make-up on; I don't need to wear it every day; my eye lashes are in great condition if I don't wear mascara all the time; beauty comes from the inside as well as out; God made me and that is what is important.

Now living on my own.

That's been hard. Especially when someone close to me got their house broken into. I got very scared and lonely when I had nights on my own. I found some days I didn't speak to anyone till 7pm. I found it really hard to look after myself properly as no one was in the house telling me otherwise. I lost that accountability I got from having a housemate.

On a positive note. I learnt to be very happy in my own company. I didn't have to worry about my mess. I spent a lot more time in prayer with God. I met up with more people. I realized I was a much more capable woman then I thought. Peace and quiet is really beautiful.

I am now so grateful not to be on my own again. I'm 100% an extrovert, but it was something I'm glad I did before I was married even if for a few months. These last three months I have honestly learnt so much about myself, that I just was not really aware of before and that's been good. There is still stuff to tackle and take on, but that's ok to! No one changes over night! So, have courage that if there's something your struggling with, surround yourself with support and love and try to overcome it. Even if it's a little bit at a time.

Every Blessing

Steph.

#lent #makeup #makeupfast #livingalone #godisgood #christianblogger #traineevicar

Lent make-up fast

We are in lent! It does not seem 5 minutes since I began my training and we are already on the way to Easter.

So, what is lent for those reading this who may not know…'Lent is a season of forty days, not counting Sundays, which begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Saturday. Lent comes from the Anglo Saxon word lencten, which means "spring." The forty days represents the time Jesus spent in the wilderness, enduring the temptation of Satan and preparing to begin his ministry. Lent is a time of repentance, fasting and preparation for the coming of Easter. It is a time of self-examination and reflection. In the early church, Lent was a time to prepare new converts for baptism. Today, Christians focus on their relationship with God, often choosing to give up something or to volunteer and give of themselves for others. Sundays in Lent are not counted in the forty days because each Sunday represents a "mini-Easter" and the reverent spirit of Lent is tempered with joyful anticipation of the Resurrection.'

Lent for me is not just about giving chocolate up to help me on my way to a summer body. It is something much more meaningful, with the aim to become closer to God.

This year I have chosen to fast from make-up. I have chosen to do this as it became apparent to me I had a problem when I wouldn’t go to a morning prayer session without ‘putting’ on my eyebrows at a church weekend away. Make-up for me has never been something I do for fun but rather something I feel I need to put on to cover up my imperfections. People keep telling me I do not need make-up to look nice. Perhaps I don’t, but that does not immediately take away my belief that I do need them to look beautiful. It is hardly surprising I feel this way when the images the media presents of people are heavily airbrushed and social media images are overtly edited making me and many others feel inadequate. Other factors also have probably played a part in this feeling of being inadequate. For example, when I was at school, it was odd if you didn’t wear make-up, comments of the way I looked and my body shape have stuck with me even now.

In my ordination journey I felt now was the time I needed to overcome this and learn to love what God has given me. I find myself telling others they are beautiful and they do not need make-up or to change the way they look. So, it is time I listen to my own advice and learn to love what God made me to look like. Ultimately, I hope I can help others to love the skin God gave them to without being a hypocrite.

How am I going to do this? I have decided I am not just going to cold turkey, but I am going to get rid of something each week instead to ease myself in and learn to show a part of myself I like to change. I am also going to use the extra time I have in the morning to pray for my own confidence, for others confidence and to find out more about myself.

The below list tells you what I am giving up, when and what I feel it does:

Week 1-foundation, powder, bronzer, lipstick (I hate my rosy cheeks and how red my face gets)

Week 2- Eye brow pencil (I plucked half my eyebrows out when I was 13)

Week 3-Concealer (to hide those bags under my eyes)

Week 4-Mascara (Extra-long lashes make me feel like I am on a catwalk)

Rest of lent make-up free

When lent is over I probably will go back to wearing make-up. But, I hope it will be because I enjoy doing I and want to. Not because I feel I must.

Every Blessing,

Steph

xoxo

#lent #christianblogger #makeup #fasting

Skin Care and Prayer

The below post was written by my friend Jess as I thought it would be nice for other fantastic women Priests or potential Priests to contribute their experiences  aswell!

Skin Care & Prayer

When Steph asked me to do this post, I was (and still am) honoured! My name is Jess and I am currently spending my days working at a church in Clapham called Holy Trinity, and in my spare time, I am praying about God’s calling on my life. I will soon be going to a BAP (Bishop’s Advisory Panel) which is a posh name for a 3 day interview where the panel ask you lots of questions to see if you’re right to become a vicar. So by April I should know if I can train to be a priest, which makes me about a year behind Steph at the moment!

So why did Steph ask me to do a post? Well, let’s just say I have a quirky prayer routine. Whilst thinking about when I pray, and when I could spare some more time to give to God, I started to think about where I spend my time. And I concluded that I spend about 30 minutes a day in front of a mirror, washing my face. Now that seems extreme, but that’s 15 minutes in the morning, and again in the evening. Within those 15 minutes I have a cleanse, tone and moisturise routine. Now, you might be thinking, ‘yes, but what does that have to do with prayer?’ Well, let me tell you…

One morning as I was washing my face, I started to pray. And I linked the significance of my skincare routine to what I was praying. I started with cleansing, and as I rubbed the cleanser into my skin, I started to say sorry for the things I had done wrong that day. When it came to wiping away the cleanser, it helped me to remember that I am forgiven. Jesus was the eternal sacrifice so that I may be forgiven, always. And that really helped to engage with God daily. Remembering the sacrifice of sending the Son to die for me, so that I may be forgiven and have eternal life, that is so important to think about every day. And it’s so easy to forget, especially in the good times of life, so every time I cleanse my face, I am reminded that I am made clean, only because Jesus shed His blood for me.

The next step in my skin care routine is my toner. Now I’m not ENTIRELY sure what toner actually does. But I’m pretty sure it is something to do with restoring balance to my skin. So as I spray toner onto my face, and pat it dry with a cotton wool pad, I ask for God’s guidance, that I will have a balanced life, that God will guide me to the places that He has called me to. And my final part of my skincare routine is my moisturiser. That is the nourishing part of my skincare routine, and for this prayer I give God thanks. I say thank you Lord for everything you have done for me this day, and I praise God for the things that have brought me joy and nourishment.

I love doing this, because it helps me to settle my mind on God. It is one of the first things I do in the morning, and the last thing I do at night. So it really helps me to focus on God, and reflect on the day ahead, or that has passed. It’s a little quirky, but it really works for me. I am able to utilise my time spent looking after my skin as time spent with God too! It’s a physical and spiritual nourishment all at once!

So my prayer for each person who is reading this is that you are able to take the every day, mundane tasks and give them to God. You are able to reflect on the ways in which God can fit into the repetitive tasks, and spend time with God whilst you do them. Please do pray whilst you do your skincare routine, or perhaps it’s when you are walking your dog, or when you are doing the washing up. Whenever it is that you find that you could be spending that time with God, whilst continuing to do whatever it is you do, I pray that you will have the courage to step out and pray at the times that are least expected. Make a routine of it. I have and it feels so good to know that I will be spending time with God whilst looking after the skin my Saviour gave me.

Jess

x

#christianwomen #prayer #skincare

Being Called and Telling Others.

You are going to do what!!!!! Yes, yes I am.

Telling someone you were going to begin training as a Church and England vicar can be daunting as you just do not know the response you are going to get. When I worked in retail I experienced some of the strangest reactions. It was really hard to hear some of the things told to me. It upset me and made me angry. It also made me want to tell people more about my calling in hope that I would help change their negative views of faiths. 

What People Said	What I thought
You do not look like your average priest.	What does one look like, do they have two heads?
(Sarcastically) I'll say a little prayer for you then mate.	Ermmm thanks…I think
I've never seen a vicar in ripped jeans.	I’m not a vicar just going to train, but why shouldn’t they wear ripped jeans?! (Tries to suppress anger)
Why on earth would you want to do that?	Well I had a calling
Are you joking?	Here we go again…
Can women even do that?	Yes, the first woman was priested in 1994 actually !

I didn't just have negative reactions, I had some lovely responses to;

·         Well what a lovely young lady you are, the church needs people like you!

·         I think it is great!

·         What a joy it is for someone so young doing something so worthwhile with their life.

·         I am so excited for you, I will keep you in my prayers.

The fact the negative responses outweigh the positive tells me that there is a huge amount of people who are sheltered from religion, have had bad experiences or simply do not understand what it means to be a priest. For this reason, I am briefly going to explain why I, a 20 something year old feels called to this vocation.

I have gone to church since I was a small child and I hated it. It was the same songs week in week out and I got bored, but whether God existed was never an issue. I remember praying to God that I would be next in the talent show. It was not till I was older that I returned to church. When I was 16 I went to a Christian conference and here is where I experienced what I would call a vision of me preaching to thousands of people. However, after this happened I had an unhappy time, dealing with family death and sickness and getting out of a very unhappy relationship. For a period of time I turned away from a Christian life, going to church but not living like a Christian. I did things I regret, I have defiantly sworn, drunk too much and acted in a way that you may think inappropriate for a future priest. These experiences made me who I am today. I felt convicted to change the way I acted, my dresses got slightly longer and my hot pants became a thing of the past.

Soon after a friend confronted me asking me about my future and I told them that I felt called to go into church leadership-to which they replied why not now? I soon came to realise that all the things which had happened to me were in God's plan. Jerimiah 29:11 is my all-time favourite verse and has kept me strong through everything.  People kept telling me have you thought of becoming a vicar, you would be so good. As soon as I pursued it the doors flew open.  It was so exciting. Yes, the church exciting! So here I am today, following God’s plan for me.

Be blessed

Steph